Rupert's Umbrella Adventures
Chapter Two: Spidervalley
As most of you probably remember, I left on a gust of wind forty-nine years, eight months, twelve days, six hours, and three minutes ago. I hadn't the foggiest where I was headed; all I knew was that I needed to get out and see the world. And if I happened to amass some finances along the way, so much the better.
Now, I don't know how familiar you are with the lay of the land, but beyond our little cliff there is a very, very long stretch of hill country. For a while I thought that was it. Nothing but hills from here to the edge of the world. But after five or six hours of flying -- and might I mention that holding onto an umbrella for that long is *very* trying -- after that, the hills blessedly flattened themselves out into some plains, which then tucked themselves into a river. I was far up enough that I couldn't quite make out the size of the thing, and in my naivete I thought it but a trickle, a baby brooklet if you will. The wind blew me along its path.
Before long, though, I began to descend. Down I went, slowly at first, but soon picking up speed, and the river got larger and larger as I got closer and closer. A most exhilarating experience, I might add. Just before I plummeted into the water, the river disappeared beneath me into a waterfall and I found myself in a valley -- or a crevice, rather, jutting straight down into the ground. It couldn't have been more than half a mile across, but lengthwise it stretched on for what had to be miles.
With the change in scenery, my descent mysteriously slowed down, and I slowly wafted down to the bottom of the valley. But not quite the bottom, for I landed in the outskirts of a very large spider web. It had to have been at least fifty meters across in every direction. As you probably well know, webs are sticky, and I got stuck. I tried to detach my limbs from the web, but to no avail.
Imagine my chagrin when I spotted a set of spindly legs near my head.
My body went into rebellion, flaying my arms and legs in a marionette-ish fashion, almost tearing the skin off in the attempt. And yet my effort made no difference. The spindly legs clicked a little closer, and I looked up. I wished I hadn't. Looming above me, a sight directly out of one of my childhood nightmares, was a mongrel mix between a spider and a human. The general shape was human -- arms, legs, head, and so on -- but the details were arachnid. And bone-chilling. The creature's two arms and two legs were thin, too thin to be able to support such a body, and yet they did. Its armor-like head was small, but five black, glistening eyes gazed blankly out at who knows where. The overall effect was that of a humanoid daddy longleg. The overall effect upon me was a fever and a sickening jolt in my stomach.
As the spider-creature bent down over me, I expected my life to end, ingloriously devoured. Its long, segmented arms reached down and begin pulling at my limbs. I was sure I was going to be wrapped in a silk cocoon. But it was not to be. The creature injected some kind of fluid onto the web where it made contact with my skin, and I was able to pull myself free with light effort. Limb by limb I regained my freedom. When I was clear of the web, the creature inceremoniously picked me up and threw me off the web and onto a patch of grass below. It then clambered down from the web.
"Thank you?" I ventured as I brushed myself off and stood up. There was no answer. "Can you...can you understand me?"
The spider-thing clacked its mandibles. At this point I still wasn't sure it hadn't released me in order to make a more convenient feast, and I didn't know quite how to interpret the clacks. But I wiped my brow and hoped for the best.
"I'm a traveler," I said, my voice quavering. "Just passing through."
Again, its mandibles clacked, but again I hadn't any idea what it was supposed to mean. This wasn't how it worked out in all the stories I'd read -- no matter how strange the creatures were, they always seemed to speak English. If only that had been the case.
At any rate, I tried clicking my tongue, hoping that perhaps I could communicate back to the creature. Suddenly I heard a rush of tapping from the rocks behind the web. A horde of more spider-things, at least thirty in number, clattered out and surrounded us. I hoped I hadn't said the wrong thing.
One of their number, a greyish creature that was thinner and taller than the rest, emerged from the surrounding circle and came up close to me. I froze.
"No visitors," came an insectoid voice from behind me. I spun around to see who was speaking, but all I could see was the mass of spider-creatures clustered around me.
The voice said, "Turn around." I did so, and from the arm motions of the grey creature in front of me, I realized that it was actually the one talking. Ventriloquism. Perhaps that was the natural result of talking with mandibles instead of a voice box, I mused.
"Well, sir," I began, "I do want to say that I think this rather unfortunate event--"
"Stop saying nothing!" screeched the creature. "Your point?"
I swallowed. I also took a moment to compose my reply. "I am lost."
"Where do you come from?"
"Cliffton," I said. "Beyond the hills."
The creature bent its head down and forward and peered at me. "Why?"
"Why am I from there?" I asked, confused.
"No, no, no," it exclaimed. "Why are you lost? Why are you here?"
"Well, sir," I said, "I'm a traveler. I'm going to see the world."
It clicked and clacked some spider-language back to the rest of the group. More clacking tittered around me.
"If you don't mind my asking," I said, "how do you know English?"
The creature looked from side to side at the group around us. "I went to Oxford."
"You did?" Images of this spider-thing impossibly sitting in a lecture hall among all the humans came in into my mind. There was no way. Wouldn't someone have noticed? Wouldn't someone have said something?
"Just kidding," it said, clacking in what seemed to be a laugh. "We took a prisoner years ago and in return for his teaching me English, we allowed him to live a year longer than usual. I don't even know where Oxford is."
To be continued...
